Note to self

I have been going to a counselor to help me with my anxiety/depression and my choice of quitting public school teaching. My counselor told me to write myself a letter, so I did. When I saw her on Monday, she read my letter and said that it should be published- that others are probably feeling the way I feel. So this is my first attempt at publishing my letter. Here you go.

Dear Moriah,

Sometimes you need a pep talk from someone else. Sometimes you need a pep talk from yourself. So here you go.

When you were very young, you wanted to be an astronaut, a doctor, maybe a rock star, but most of all a teacher. School wasn’t always easy, though your brother thought it was for you. You worked hard and went to college. You learned a lot. You worked many jobs to help get through college and learned many new things in and out of the classroom. Much of the “important stuff” you learned was in real life- real job experiences. Yes, your resume is long, but you earned it. Occasionally you may be ashamed of it because you have so many experiences working in lots of different fields. Wear it like a badge of honor. Don’t be afraid of where you’ve come from. It makes you who you are today.

Speaking of which, you are here today having made the decision (not lightly) to leave public education- quit your job as a public school teacher and not renew your teaching license. Many people and rightly so think this is a knee jerk, idiotic, etc etc decision. But they don’t know you.

They don’t know that you put your heart and soul into this job.

They don’t know that you spent 7 years working to get your education degree and teaching license only to not be able to get a teaching job in Vermont. After working as a teacher in Florida, you decide to move back to Vermont to try getting a teaching job again. 7 MORE years of substituting, just about to give up teaching entirely, you apply and get a job in the middle of nowhere, Vermont. You spend 3 years there. Three years of nothing but work and focus on the job and making other people happy, only to realize that you can never EVER make them all happy. That broke you. Not getting administrative support with what seemed to be anything- it just broke you. You couldn’t handle the stress anymore. Was it self induced stress? Much of it was because you were trying to be perfect.

You realized that you just couldn’t be there, couldn’t do it anymore. When you thought about it more, it made more sense. It wasn’t healthy. You need to take care of your aging parents. But most of all you need to take care and do what’s best for YOU.

Then it hits you.

What the hell are you thinking? What are you going to do now? You have a car loan, student loans, lots of credit card debt, no health insurance, no apartment. No future. The fear of the unknown hits you like a ton of bricks. Anxiety, worry, doubt- it all hits you. Some reassure and say it will be ok, but you don’t believe them. You have always had a hard time with positive reinforcement. You’ve always had a hard time being proud of your accomplishments and decisions.

But… after hearing “it’s going to be ok” over and over again, your shoulders start to relax a little. You have a summer job. Housing for the job has fallen through (stress!!) but you can live with your folks and keep that eagle-eye on them. And play in the garden. Win win.

Don’t regret your decisions. You need to be healthy and happy FOR YOU. Stop trying to please everyone (though, that’s a great quality in customer service work..). You don’t have to be a teacher in a public school to be a teacher. Teachers come in all forms- you just have to find the right one (if you want to stay teaching) or just find something else you want to do- what you are passionate about and find a way to make it happen. DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP. You don’t have to battle everything and everyone on your own. Breathe. Stay healthy for yourself. Keep learning and growing in knowledge.

The Intuitive Heal woman told you a lot about yourself- things that were weird and things that were helpful. She talked about “your past lives” but also made some great deep points- you overthink, you are a perfectionist, and you fear making a mistake. She mentioned something about being a mentor, working for a non-profit, etc- look into it! Be open to new avenues- new adventures. It’s hard to take that leap of faith and know that it will all be ok, but you need to take the next step.

It will be ok- know that. Be happy. You worked so hard to make that dream of being a teacher a reality and worked so hard at trying to sustain it that “you lost that lovin’ feeling” as the Righteous Brothers say. You forgot yourself. You forgot to be healthy and happy for YOU. It’s not selfish to be happy and healthy. Believe that.

I do not know the future. I don’t know what job you will be doing. I don’t know if you will meet the right guy and settle down and get married and all that stuff that other people have. Stop comparing yourself to everyone else! Be happy to be you!

I do know that you will have ups and downs for the rest of your life. Your “job” is to make the most of the ride and live for you.

Be happy. Be healthy. It’s not selfish.

And in the words of Bob Marley, “Don’t worry...bout a thing… cuz every little thing is going to be alright!”

Have Faith.

Lots of Love,

Me