Change is in the air...

On this first day of spring, instead of going to church like I should, I sit here and mull over how to change. I have changed a great deal this past year and over my 37 years on Earth. But as a human, I still do not feel content. I have become numb. I've become numb to my work. I've become numb to my parents ailments. I've become numb to my lonesomeness and content to being alone. I've become numb to doing what is expected of me, not doing things because I want to but rather because I have to. It's not that I don't want to work- I love to work and feel more satisfied and accomplished when I work hard and complete a task. Lately and maybe for some time, I have come to the realization that the work that I do does not give me that satisfaction or feel of accomplishment because I'm forced to do more and more task that never get completed.

Teaching is a rough job. Those of you who complain about teachers having lots of vacations and just "play all day" have no idea.

Teaching is not like building a road or digging a ditch. Folks make plans, get permits, dig and build until the road or ditch is finished. They set out and complete their task. Not so in teaching.

Builders build cabinets or a house or solar panels. They also make plans, get permits, and build their structures until it is finished. They have a plan and finish their task.

People with office jobs or man the phones in a customer service job- they have a plan/question/report to fix or accomplish and they do it. Then they move on to the next plan/question/report to fix or do. We don't have that luxury in teaching.

Farmers- maybe they're more like teaching. They set out a plan for the year but depending on a lot of external factors, their plan may go as planned or it might go way off, but they have to adapt. They have some sort of end result- a crop, an increase (hopefully) in milk or crop yields or even in animal yields. But just like teaching, their end result is determined by how well they planned and the external factors that helped (hindered) results from the plan.

I guess what I'm getting at or trying to sort out in my own brain that yes, teaching is hard. EXTREMELY hard. I don't mind working hard, but I'd like to see that my hard work paid off somehow. High school teachers get all the credit when students graduate or don't. As an elementary teacher, I work hard but see no end result. I didn't sign up for this.

I didn't sign up for the anxiety filled nights and days thinking about whether I'm going to get to teach all the standards that I am required to by the end of the 175 days of school. Nor did I sign up to be filled with anxiety over whether my students are being cared for by family members- are they being fed, clothed properly, being read to and loved, are they safe? The answer is no- many are not getting some or many of these needs met. I didn't sign up for parents questioning me about why their child needs to read or practice math facts at home. I didn't sign up for having a philosophical conversation to parents about the fact that educating a child doesn't just happen at school but should be happening at home. And it does happen at home- sometimes students learn that if their parents don't care how they do in school, then they don't care about school. Students who see their parents and families being disrespectful, then it's ok for them to be disrespectful, too. That's a battle that I have become too weak to fight.

My pursuit of patience has been a long one. And it will continue to be a pursuit throughout my life. I have come to that conclusion (ta-da!) I'm thinking that my pursuit is not only of patience, but also of contentment. I truly want to be content in my work and I'm not. That's not to say that once I accomplish something, I just wipe my hands and say I'm done. That's not how I was brought up, nor is it what people who work hard should ever feel, because that is not our true feeling or spirit. Well, some folks just want to sit and take in government assistance, but (in my mind) most people want to work and feel accomplished in their work. Teaching does not give that sense of accomplishment. Or at least it hasn't for me.

I'm not saying that teaching isn't a noble profession. It is. Molding the minds of students to learn about new things and give them that spark that they may continue learning throughout their lifetime is what all teachers think when they become education majors and apply for teaching jobs. I can keep working and strive for the ideal, but I'm so bombarded at all the negative aspects of teaching that it has outweighed the positives. I can't fight this losing battle anymore. I don't have the strength or courage or encouragement from coworkers and administrators to "fight the good fight" anymore. Maybe it's just the school I'm at right now. No. I'm not that naive to believe that. I worked in many schools to know that this never ending fight is everywhere. There's always more standards to be taught or changed. There's always going to be parents who aren't supportive of their student or school or teacher. There's always going to be at least one negative coworker who's just at the job to get the paycheck and get retirement.

I just feel like giving up. Giving up is not who I am or how I was brought up to be. Giving up is an easy out. I am a realist though.

I used to wear rose colored glasses and have the philosophy that even I could change the world. Maybe I have. I don't believe I really have changed anyone or anything as a teacher.

I have become angry because more and more is put on the plates of teachers to do and to be. I need to not just teach standards and curriculum that keeps changing, but I need to teach behaviors- how to be a friend and how to not be a bully, how to be respectful and not swear even though that's all you see and hear from your parents. I need to feed and bathe children because they are not fed nor bathed at home. And I'm supposed to have a social life? What a laugh! I'm tired of trying to be everything to everyone, to quote the band Everclear. I can't please everyone and that's a hard fact for me to swallow.

I want to do my work to the best of my ability and see an end result and move on to the next task. I want to please people with my work and my accomplishments. As a teacher these past 3 years, what have I accomplished? Getting students to reach the specified standard and push them on to the next grade? Is that a real accomplishment? Did I change behaviors? No, I don't think so except some of my behaviors as a teacher have changed. (Not being afraid to question everything and trying new things for example). As my colleague keeps telling me, I'm too hard on myself. Well, someone has to be!

If anyone knows of a ditch-digging job that pays pretty well, let me know. I think I would feel more accomplished as a human being if I dug ditches. For now, I will correct papers and plan my teaching for the rest of the school year. We'll see what that accomplishes.