Self help from an anxious person

Hello. My name is Moriah and I am an anxious person. I have been anxious since I was a kid- worried about other people, worried about stupid things. Worried about not stupid things. I started having anxiety attacks when I was teaching in Florida. Anxiety attacks come on so suddenly, they can feel like a heart attack- shortness of breath, chest pain, hyperventilation, and some other symptoms. This happened to me today with the stupidest slightest trigger to make me feel like the world was falling in on me. My anxiousness over my test results; my teaching observation that I'm supposed to have, but my principal not getting back to me as to when she's going to do this or not or anything; anxious about our fun activity tomorrow and making sure everything is set and perfect (yes, I'm a perfectionist {sort of} as well... another post) and not having the pictures that I was told I was going to have provided, anxious over some of my students and what home is like for them... the list goes on and on. I had to really focus on my breathing for my hyperventilation to slow down. Crying doesn't help hypervetilation, either. What a mess.

When people ask- even my parents- how I'm doing, how I'm holding up- what am I supposed to say? I'm not ok? Do people really want to hear that? No. So I put on as brave a face as I can, grit my teeth and smile and say I'm ok. Because that is what I want you to hear, though I don't feel it. At all. I'm scared. I know I'm supposed to think positive. I'm young, if they do find something it's early... Yesterday, the art teacher at my school told me (jokingly), you don't look sick. We had a good laugh because it's true. I'm not loosing weight, I'm not grey in color and I don't have horns growing out of me (though some of my students think I do...) I know I'm over analyzing all of this and thinking too much about it, but I can't help it. Both my grandmothers had cancer before age 50. I just had a friend and collegue die of cancer. I don't want to be a pessimist, but I want to be a realist. I just want answers. That's all I ask.