Hello. My name is Moriah and I am an anxious person. I have been anxious since I was a kid- worried about other people, worried about stupid things. Worried about not stupid things. I started having anxiety attacks when I was teaching in Florida. Anxiety attacks come on so suddenly, they can feel like a heart attack- shortness of breath, chest pain, hyperventilation, and some other symptoms. This happened to me today with the stupidest slightest trigger to make me feel like the world was falling in on me. My anxiousness over my test results; my teaching observation that I'm supposed to have, but my principal not getting back to me as to when she's going to do this or not or anything; anxious about our fun activity tomorrow and making sure everything is set and perfect (yes, I'm a perfectionist {sort of} as well... another post) and not having the pictures that I was told I was going to have provided, anxious over some of my students and what home is like for them... the list goes on and on. I had to really focus on my breathing for my hyperventilation to slow down. Crying doesn't help hypervetilation, either. What a mess.
When people ask- even my parents- how I'm doing, how I'm holding up- what am I supposed to say? I'm not ok? Do people really want to hear that? No. So I put on as brave a face as I can, grit my teeth and smile and say I'm ok. Because that is what I want you to hear, though I don't feel it. At all. I'm scared. I know I'm supposed to think positive. I'm young, if they do find something it's early... Yesterday, the art teacher at my school told me (jokingly), you don't look sick. We had a good laugh because it's true. I'm not loosing weight, I'm not grey in color and I don't have horns growing out of me (though some of my students think I do...) I know I'm over analyzing all of this and thinking too much about it, but I can't help it. Both my grandmothers had cancer before age 50. I just had a friend and collegue die of cancer. I don't want to be a pessimist, but I want to be a realist. I just want answers. That's all I ask.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Music to set the mood...
Here's some songs/videos about being patient, worrying, and waiting. Enjoy!
A must have for anyone who grew up in the 80s.
A song that has been running through my head. A lot.
Ah. John.
For Katie Evans... a huge Ray LaMontagne fan...
A favorite.
An anthem.
I am having a biopsy done tomorrow (Monday) morning, so all of these songs will be going through my head tonight and tomorrow! I did try to find just the right female song to add to this mix, but couldn't think of one. I'm sure you all could help with that!
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
The saga continues...
My adventures with my medical care continues to wear on my patience. As I said in my last post, I had gone to my family doctor and asked when I should start getting mammograms, and she signed me up. When the radiologist ok'd me to get one, what happens? I get called back for more scans- a diagnostic mammogram.
The diagnostic mammogram was yesterday. A different woman did more pictures of the one area that needed more looking into. The radiologist looked at them and had me get an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech took pictures and said the radiologist would be in and look for himself and tell you what is happening. So I'm lying there, in a room with only one dimly lit bulb on and the hum of the ultrasound machine. It took 10 minutes or so, and in Dr. Cobb came. He checked my spot and told me the following.
Every woman has calcifications in their breasts. It shows up on mammograms as white, as mine did. Dr. Cobb explained that calcifications can look different- cancer has a certain shape, as does benign. Mine is somewhere in the middle (lucky me). He looked at it with the ultra sound and decided that it may be benign, but to make sure, he recommends that I have a biopsy of it. His words- "if you were my sister... I would want you to be checked." I started crying right then and there. The ultrasound tech put her hand on me to comfort me, the dearest young lady, which I was grateful. Dr. Cobb then told me that he was sending this information to my family doctor and that I would need to make a decision as to where to have it done and to think about what procedure I might want- a needle biopsy (less invasive) or a more invasive surgical procedure where they cut the calcification out and check it. He also said that wherever I have it done, the doctor would look over the scans and offer a second opinion. Dr. Cobb said that I should get a call from my family doctor within 24 hrs as to what is happening next. I got a call late yesterday from the doctor who is covering for my doctor (have I lost you yet?) asking if I have a preference where to have it done and I told him where I live and work, but that pretty much I'd go wherever they send me. He told me the office would call me with information as to where I'd be sent. Whew.
So that was yesterday.
Today, I called my family doctor around 11:20 to find out what is going on and because my cell phone (which is the number they like to contact me on) does not work at school. The folks told me that my information was sent to the Breast Care Clinic at Fletcher Allen Hospital (the largest hospital in Vermont...) The clinic was to call me, but the nurse gave me the clinic's number so I could call them first. I did, and they hadn't received my records that had just been sent a half hour prior, but she took down my information and told me the procedure that they do at the clinic. The radiologist at the clinic views all my scans and makes a decision (second opinion) either 1- I do have a biopsy, 2- I don't have a biopsy/don't need it, or 3- more scans need to be done. The receptionist called me back a little while later (while we were doing our daily language practice this afternoon) and told me they (the clinic) has received all my scans and info and that the radiologist will be making a decision before Friday. *Gulp* I said ok.... What else can you say, right?
I want you all to know how well Porter Medical Center has treated me and how professional and courteous they are. They don't always get raving reviews, but I want my two cents out there (for what it's worth) that they're ok in my book. They helped me through some tough times- 2 dog bites, infection, cyst, dislocated knee, and my mother and father's health, too.
Again, I could use some prayers for peace of mind- not jumping to worst-case-scenario conclusions. Please and thank you. God CERTAINLY is teaching me a great deal of patience....
The diagnostic mammogram was yesterday. A different woman did more pictures of the one area that needed more looking into. The radiologist looked at them and had me get an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech took pictures and said the radiologist would be in and look for himself and tell you what is happening. So I'm lying there, in a room with only one dimly lit bulb on and the hum of the ultrasound machine. It took 10 minutes or so, and in Dr. Cobb came. He checked my spot and told me the following.
Every woman has calcifications in their breasts. It shows up on mammograms as white, as mine did. Dr. Cobb explained that calcifications can look different- cancer has a certain shape, as does benign. Mine is somewhere in the middle (lucky me). He looked at it with the ultra sound and decided that it may be benign, but to make sure, he recommends that I have a biopsy of it. His words- "if you were my sister... I would want you to be checked." I started crying right then and there. The ultrasound tech put her hand on me to comfort me, the dearest young lady, which I was grateful. Dr. Cobb then told me that he was sending this information to my family doctor and that I would need to make a decision as to where to have it done and to think about what procedure I might want- a needle biopsy (less invasive) or a more invasive surgical procedure where they cut the calcification out and check it. He also said that wherever I have it done, the doctor would look over the scans and offer a second opinion. Dr. Cobb said that I should get a call from my family doctor within 24 hrs as to what is happening next. I got a call late yesterday from the doctor who is covering for my doctor (have I lost you yet?) asking if I have a preference where to have it done and I told him where I live and work, but that pretty much I'd go wherever they send me. He told me the office would call me with information as to where I'd be sent. Whew.
So that was yesterday.
Today, I called my family doctor around 11:20 to find out what is going on and because my cell phone (which is the number they like to contact me on) does not work at school. The folks told me that my information was sent to the Breast Care Clinic at Fletcher Allen Hospital (the largest hospital in Vermont...) The clinic was to call me, but the nurse gave me the clinic's number so I could call them first. I did, and they hadn't received my records that had just been sent a half hour prior, but she took down my information and told me the procedure that they do at the clinic. The radiologist at the clinic views all my scans and makes a decision (second opinion) either 1- I do have a biopsy, 2- I don't have a biopsy/don't need it, or 3- more scans need to be done. The receptionist called me back a little while later (while we were doing our daily language practice this afternoon) and told me they (the clinic) has received all my scans and info and that the radiologist will be making a decision before Friday. *Gulp* I said ok.... What else can you say, right?
I want you all to know how well Porter Medical Center has treated me and how professional and courteous they are. They don't always get raving reviews, but I want my two cents out there (for what it's worth) that they're ok in my book. They helped me through some tough times- 2 dog bites, infection, cyst, dislocated knee, and my mother and father's health, too.
Again, I could use some prayers for peace of mind- not jumping to worst-case-scenario conclusions. Please and thank you. God CERTAINLY is teaching me a great deal of patience....
Monday, October 6, 2014
I'm in the need for some patience right about now....
This is the first year in the past 7 years that I've been able to make doctors appointments to make sure I'm in good health. Last month, I made an appointment to have a physical- the first since I went to college! I had some concerns that I talked to my doctor including lower back pain. I am going to physical therapy to strengthen my core that will alleviate some strain on my lower back muscles. Don't worry, I won't turn into the Hulk.
My other major concern that I talked to my doctor about was my family history of breast cancer and when I should start mammogram screenings. She sent a request for me to have a mammo and the radiologist questioned why. He questioned it because he didn't know that both my grandmothers got breast cancer under the age of 50. One grandmother died because her cancer spread. Anyhoo, I got my mammo and had the procedure. Oh. My. They lie when they say it isn't supposed to hurt. It does. Guys, think purple nurple. Enough said.
The next day, I had my cell phone off because it doesn't work where I work, so I turned it on at 7:30-8:00pm and low and behold my doctor called saying that the results were abnormal (what else is new?) and that I needed more scans. I also got a call from the nurse asking me to call back. I of course started freaking out thinking the worse. I also thought, how ironic that the radiologist didn't want to look at me at first and then this.... hmm..
To make a long story longer, I called Thursday- played phone tag. Called Friday- played phone tag again. So this morning, I had a different doctor appointment (allergy testing- very interesting and long process- another story) and drove to speak to my family doctor or nurse face to face. The nurse, lovely and kind Maria, told me exactly what was going on- that I have an abnormal calcification cluster on my right breast, which means I need a diagnostic mammogram. Ok....
So then I drive to the hospital to make an appointment for this other squishy test. I could have had it done tomorrow morning (tempting, but I have to teach tomorrow) and of course the radiologist only does this between the hours of 12:30-2pm. AND I have to have the same doctor as who diagnosed my first mammo- I totally understand and I'm thankful for that.
The next time available is October 21st. 2 weeks to drive myself crazy with worry because I don't have enough worry and anxiety in my life right now...
But I just have to remember it will be ok no matter what.
This is the first year in the past 7 years that I've been able to make doctors appointments to make sure I'm in good health. Last month, I made an appointment to have a physical- the first since I went to college! I had some concerns that I talked to my doctor including lower back pain. I am going to physical therapy to strengthen my core that will alleviate some strain on my lower back muscles. Don't worry, I won't turn into the Hulk.
My other major concern that I talked to my doctor about was my family history of breast cancer and when I should start mammogram screenings. She sent a request for me to have a mammo and the radiologist questioned why. He questioned it because he didn't know that both my grandmothers got breast cancer under the age of 50. One grandmother died because her cancer spread. Anyhoo, I got my mammo and had the procedure. Oh. My. They lie when they say it isn't supposed to hurt. It does. Guys, think purple nurple. Enough said.
The next day, I had my cell phone off because it doesn't work where I work, so I turned it on at 7:30-8:00pm and low and behold my doctor called saying that the results were abnormal (what else is new?) and that I needed more scans. I also got a call from the nurse asking me to call back. I of course started freaking out thinking the worse. I also thought, how ironic that the radiologist didn't want to look at me at first and then this.... hmm..
To make a long story longer, I called Thursday- played phone tag. Called Friday- played phone tag again. So this morning, I had a different doctor appointment (allergy testing- very interesting and long process- another story) and drove to speak to my family doctor or nurse face to face. The nurse, lovely and kind Maria, told me exactly what was going on- that I have an abnormal calcification cluster on my right breast, which means I need a diagnostic mammogram. Ok....
So then I drive to the hospital to make an appointment for this other squishy test. I could have had it done tomorrow morning (tempting, but I have to teach tomorrow) and of course the radiologist only does this between the hours of 12:30-2pm. AND I have to have the same doctor as who diagnosed my first mammo- I totally understand and I'm thankful for that.
The next time available is October 21st. 2 weeks to drive myself crazy with worry because I don't have enough worry and anxiety in my life right now...
But I just have to remember it will be ok no matter what.
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