there I go thinking again...

The drive back home Sunday got me thinking a lot about what the heck I'm going to do this fall. I had been asked a bunch of times at the wedding by some folks I knew but hadn't seen in a while what I'm doing for work. How embarrassing to say that I still dont' have a full time job with all of these successful people around. What am I supposed to do? And as always, I've been thinking about this for a week or so (no, longer). I haven't been actively looking for teaching jobs (I have been busy, you know). I also haven't been working on my course to keep my teaching license. I haven't been making time for it. I have enjoyed learning new things, but something always keeps me thinking, why am I doing this? In the words of the great singing duo the Righteous Brothers, I've "lost that lovin' feeling".

And it's not like I don't have reason to just walk away from teaching. I've taught for 2 years in South Florida. I've been a paraeducator (teacher's assistant). I've been a substitute kindergarten through 12th grade for the past 6 years. I've done my time. I've played the game. I don't want to do this anymore. I know that I am a great teacher and I love kids and love teaching them, but I don't like the games teachers and applicants for teaching have to go through. I apparently have to be a teacher's assistant in a school and put in my time that way for a school to hire me. Teacher's aids don't do what teachers do! We photocopy, cut out various things, do playground and cafeteria duty. Sometimes, we actually do teach- such as a reading group or help students that are struggling in math. If I would have stayed as a paraeducator, I probably would have health benefits (which I haven't had for 5 years) and most importantly, I would have a teaching job right now. But I don't play their games.

So here I am; a 33 year old, living at home, with $10,000 student loan to pay off (pretty good compared to some others, I must say). I am blessed with a job, albeit a summer job. And, I have a job interview tonight. I am not looking forward to it because I'm having this anxiety/crisis/what have you. Not sure what I'm supposed to say to the folks that will be there. I just have to think and pray hard before I go in, and tell the truth and tell how I feel as nice and kindly as I can. If I don't get this teaching job, no worries. I'll be ski teaching this winter I'm sure.

I wish there was a Starbucks nearby... There's a few in Maine... and that's another idea. For another day.