It's funny that a calendar tells us to look back and look forward at the same time. At this time of year, everyone- facebook, the news, everyone is looking back at the year that was. It also lets us shrug off what has happened and look forward to what will be. To think positive. This year will be better. I will do x y and z. Or try at least.
Or this one I started back in March:
So I got through the month of October with tests and biopsies and all was fine- no tumors and no cancer. I'm just full of fibroids like my mom. Well, now I know. The months of November and December were a blur- wicked busy at school with testing and then Christmas and I got a weekend job in December working at Killington Ski Resort in their busy sales center. I thought I'd hate it because I had worked at their sister resort Pico for 5 year, but I actually like it. Back to school in January- another busy month of testing, February was a bit of a blur, and now we're in March.
Today was a warm day (though I only got to experience it for a few moments) and I'm so glad to see the snow melting. This winter was very long, cold, and brutal. This school year has seemed to be brutal, too. I must confess that I am having doubts that I should keep teaching.
And this one I started in April maybe?
I am a living, breathing irony. After ceaselessly searching for a full time teaching job here in Vermont for 7 years, I am thinking of giving it up. I feel defeated. I am unhappy. It's not a healthy environment and it is not looking like it will improve in the near or distant future. It's pretty sad when you're happier in your part-time job than your full time job. Maybe I'm happier at my part time job because it's different than my normal job and it's only part time. At any rate, I'm not sure what the future will hold, but I'm thinking that it will not be teaching. Surprisingly, I'm leaning towards working my old jobs- State Park in the summer, ski area (full time) in the winter while going back to school for nursing, like I was doing when I took my current teaching job. There's the obvious reasons for this midlife crisis- I want to be happier and therefore healthier than I am right now. I want to be closer to my parents and the farm. I would love to take over the farm, but I need an income to pay my bills. And no, I don't have a Sugar Daddy hiding out somewhere... Leaving a pretty good paying job with lots of benefits will be hard, but my
and I didn't finish my thought... no real loss there...
So here I am- 6 more school days left. I did sign my contract because, hey, it's a job with benefits and I should just suck it up. Even when my administrator second guesses my student placements for next year. Even when my colleague and I can't seem to speak to each other. Even when parents are passive aggressive in telling me that I didn't do the right things for their students. (No, I didn't do what was easy for the parent- I kept their student accountable for their homework). I was sick VERY SICK for 2 weeks for fear of taking a day off, and when I had asked to take a day off so I could go to the doctors, I was DENIED. So yeah, I'm feeling a bit- oh how do I say this without cursing like a sailor- like a belittled person in the wrong profession. I'm a teacher and yes, a people pleaser. I hate when I can't please everyone, but quickly I have realized that I can't please some parents and those 2-3 out of 16 make the whole apple cart upset. I don't want a pity party- I've given myself enough of those throughout my 36 years here on Earth.
Here's what I want- it's not a lot. 2 things really- 1) I want the word a lot to be one word. Webster's listen up! Alot of people spell alot wrong according to you, so we need to change it. Please? Thanks. 2) I want to be happy with my work. I don't want stress of trying to do everything and please everyone and not have a life. My work at Killington was fun and I enjoyed it. I think it was due to the fact that it was different than what I do during the week, and the fact that it was fun and I worked with fun people (though my boss did scare me...)
I've done a lot of different jobs through the years, and I wear that with a badge of pride, not a badge of shame. I've scrubbed toilets. I have stripped and resurfaced floors. I have product tested and maintained outdoor power equipment in all kinds of weather (One of my favorite jobs to this day). I have set up lights, staging, built sets for stage performances. I prepped breakfast and lunch and dodged the occasional flying pancake. I have taught- swimming, drama, skiing, high school almost drop outs, middle school almost drop outs, every grade k-6, customer service representatives (adults). I have picked up goose poo. I have welcomed people to state parks in Vermont. I have told people to pipe down or they will be kicked out of state parks in Vermont. I have made hay. I have milked cows. I have chased cows. I have done many things- many things to become the person I am today.
But what, you may ask, is your favorite job or what would you most like to do? Well, not too long ago, I could tell you that I had 2 dream jobs. 1- work at LLBean. I had always wanted to work at LLBean since I was little and in 2013, I did. I'm not sure if I will again, but never say never (because it usually happens- God has a dry sense of humor...) 2- to be a teacher. My cover letter states that I have wanted to be a teacher since I was in kindergarten (with the occasional doctor or astronaut in there). It took me 7 years to get my BA degree. I taught in Florida and decided to come back to New England to teach and it took me another 7 years to get a full time job in Vermont. And now that I'm here.... well, I've already said that. I am blessed. This year has been wickedly hard though. 6 more days.
Feeling downcast and blah, questioning myself for the trillionth time today, I get an email from a friend about a teaching opportunity in a Christian school. Is this a sign? Is this what the Lord wants me to do? I've already signed my contract and I don't want to break it, because I would probably be blacklisted somehow (yes, they do that). But I want, no, I NEED to be happy and do what the Lord wants me to do. If it is to stay where I'm at, then alright- bring on the humbleness, patience, and guidance. If I am to move, bring on the humbleness, patience and guidance. In other words, I could use some prayers. Please and thank you.
6 more days. I need to get through each day one at a time.
